Love and War
by Stungun Milly
Summary: Because life is wonderful and horrible, but never fair.  Four snippets in the life of Miriallia Haw.


Title: Love and War

Rating: K+ (angst, some teenage shenanigans)

Genre: General

Pairings: Miriallia/Tolle, Mu/Murrue if you squint

Notes: The formatting in this is a little weird. I hope you don't mind. It also goes a little bit AU.

_At fifteen Miriallia Haw fell in love_

It wasn't love at first sight, more like love after half a semester. Tolle Koenig sat two rows in front and three seats over from her in their Engineering Physics class. He was a nice guy, did fairly well in school, and was generally the kind of boy you'd take home to your parents, but he was more than that for her. He was enthusiastic about everything he did, throwing everything he had into it. He was a bit goofy and could somehow make almost anything fun, and he was always there.

He had comforted her when her grandma died. His condolences and words had been genuine. And his hug had been warm. That was when she had fallen in love. He'd let her hold on to him as long as she'd needed to, and called her the next day.

Two weeks later they went on their first date. It hadn't exactly gone as planned. The meal had gone well. Neither of them had very much money to spare, so they'd had lunch at a fast-food joint. Miri had laughed when Tolle's taco fillings kept falling out. However, the movie had been a complete bust. It was funny for all the wrong reasons.

Future dates went much better. Their first kiss was two months and 6 dates later. It was romantic in its own way, even if they bumped foreheads and Tolle's lips landed an inch to the right of hers. Miri was relieved when both her and Tolle's parents approved. As romantic as star-crossed lovers sounded in books, she was pretty sure it wouldn't be so in real life.

_At sixteen Miriallia Haw was a soldier_

Her first few weeks on the Archangel were a blur. Sometimes she couldn't tell if she was awake. Memories of being held at gunpoint, seeing her home destroyed, and of being faced with the very real possibility that she might die weighed constantly on mind, but she was alive, and so were her friends. She clung to that, it was the only thing she had.

She tried desperately to hold on to it when she woke up screaming. She could hear the others too, especially Flay. She had no one left in the world. Maybe that was why they enlisted. She couldn't bear being so helpless, to sit in her bunk, listening to people scream and feeling the ship shudder every time she was hit.

CPO Newman acted as their Drill Sergeant and was mostly in charge of teaching them, although Lieutenant La Flaga occasionally helped, and Ensign Badgiruel supervised. There was a surprising amount to learn. They learned the ranks, the insignia, how to wear their uniforms, the military way of doing things. It all seemed useless to her. CPO Newman was very insistent they did things exactly. Miri had to practice saluting in mirror for a half-hour until she was sure she had it right. And the drills and exercise were brutal. She almost couldn't sleep from the soreness, but she was grateful for it. When she did fall asleep, she didn't dream.

Sometimes she wanted to cry. They never were able to anything right, and were constantly reminded by being shouted at and punished by extra chores or exercise. Flay was amazingly resilient. Knowing her, Miri thought she would have broken down quickly, but she didn't. She was quiet at first, just doing what she told. The blank look on her face scared Miri. The Captain once stepped in when Ensign Badgiruel spent half a minute yelling in her face over a bad stance. She had just stood there. Kuzzey had broken down once, crying during PT. She was shocked when she realized she didn't sympathize. They all had to do this. They were all tired. What was wrong with him?

That was her turning point. She wasn't Miri anymore, she was Crewmen Haw. Every little thing that had seemed useless just became second nature. She didn't really think about it. Her friends did the same. They could do things properly and in unison. Drilling became easier.

The fear was still there in battle. It was there for everyone, even the adults. They just learned to push it back. After her first battle she had thrown up, but after awhile it got easier to stay calm. She had to do her job. It was her job the call the crew to battle stations, order the pilots to standby, and finally to launch. That was her least favorite part of her job. She could be sending Kira or Lieutenant la Flaga or the Damage Control teams to their deaths. That was what made her cry.

_At sixteen Miriallia Haw got married_

"I have an idea." Usually those words worried Miri.

"What is it?" They were sitting together in the mess hall. Lieutenant Badgiruel had been kind enough to schedule their lunches at the same time.

"Well…you know…we've been together a long time…"

"Yes?" She was a bit confused.

"I was thinking, if you're okay with it, 'cause the Captain could," he swallowed, "you know, do a marriage at sea."

She stopped breathing. "Tolle," she said, "are you asking me to marry you?"

She had said that a little louder then she had intended. All other conversations in the room immediately stopped.

Tolle spoke very quickly, "we're going to get backpay the next time we go ashore, and—and I could do this properly with a ring and everything, but I love you Miri and I really want to be with you forever."

Miri got her breath back. "I love you too." She grinned, "of course I'll marry you."

The mess hall erupted into cheers. "I'll find the Captain!" shouted Petty Officer Pal. Commander La Flaga raised his water bottle in a toast.

"Dammit, Koenig! Kiss her!" Someone else shouted. And he did. It was their first kiss all over again. She was pretty sure she was about to faint

She and Tolle both wore their civilian clothes for the first time in months. She had almost forgotten what they felt like. They were a bit loose. She had lost weight. She looked at her reflection; she barely recognized herself. Flay had loaned her some make-up that she had bought on their last shore leave.

"I look like a different person," she told her reflection, "is this what I looked like before?"

The Captain had been surprised to say the least when Tolle had asked to her to perform a marriage-at-sea, but was very happy to do it. The crew gathered in the mess hall, the tables forming a sort of aisle. Sai and Chief Murdoch had decorated using different colored electrical tape, including spelling out "Congratulations" on the back wall. Captain Ramius had suggested making a bouquet out of origami flowers from the leftover paper, but it reminded her too much of the civilian shuttle and the little girl abroad it.

"…'til death do you part."

"I do." They were the easiest words she had ever said.

The Captain turned to Tolle, grinning. "You may kiss the bride."

It was a gentle kiss. A warm kiss.

Everyone cheered. They received hugs and congratulations from friends. Various crewmembers clapped Tolle on the back, and said he was a lucky man.

Sai came up to her in private. "I'm really happy for you, Miri," he said quietly. He looked briefly at Flay, who was sitting with Kira, holding hands.

"Thank you."

The cafeteria food had never tasted so good. Captain Ramius had expressly forbade alcohol, and Lieutenant Badgiruel had conducted a "surprise inspection," disposing of any the crew might have smuggled aboard. Miri and Tolle sat between the Captain and Commander La Flaga, enjoying what resembled chicken and rice.

Suddenly Commander La Flaga stood up on the bench, tapping a plastic fork against a plastic cup full of lemonade. "I have an announcement." The crew turned to the head table. "Tomorrow Crewman Koenig will given a commission and begin flight training in the Skygrasper."

"Congratulations, Ensign." Captain Ramius handed Tolle a box containing the insignia for an Ensign. Everyone cheered.

Commander La Flaga approached them later in the evening. "I've got a wedding gift for you." He pulled a string of foil packets out of his pocket and tore off two. "Here you are, a wedding night essential."

Miri blushed when she realized what they were: condoms.

The Commander grinned. "Just put your boots outside the door and you'll have your privacy."

Miri looked over at Tolle, who was still sitting at the head table, he was bright red. She was sure she matched. The Captain was smiling knowingly, and even Lieutenant Badgiruel couldn't manage to frown.

"Now if you'll excuse me." He tucked the rest of the packets back into his pocket and went back to the head table, and sat down next to the Captain. He whispered something in her ear that made her blush.

When the celebrating was over, Miri and Tolle left the mess hall holding hands.

"Have fun now!" called the Commander. Miri's blush returned full force.

They did have fun. It was little awkward, fumbling with clothes, and kisses in various places that were not lips. Afterwards, they lay together under the cover, holding each other tightly, and trying not to fall off the narrow bunk.

"Forever, huh?" Miri said sleepily.

"Yeah," said Tolle, kissing her on the shoulder, "I could live with that."

_At seventeen Miriallia Haw was a widow_

Sometimes she wondered how she had survived, and more often she wondered why she had survived.

They had offered to bury him with full military honors. She had refused. Tolle hadn't been a hero. He had died a senseless death in a senseless war. She wasn't the only one burying a lover, a best friend, an empty casket into the ground. Captain Ramius, Kira, Sai, Mr. Watfield. Now all they had were pictures and keepsakes. There was nothing else left.

None of them had to die. None of them should have died.

She remembered hearing Commander La Flaga laughing as he saved them, Lieutenant Badgiruel screaming in pain through the open com line, and for her former Captain to fire, to kill her. The last time she heard Flay's voice, warning them to get out, to flee. And she remembered the sound at her station as the words "signal lost" came on screen. It sounded like a flat line on a heart monitor. It was telling her husband was dead.

She had always loved taking pictures. For awhile she couldn't look at them. She had thought about burning the ones she had taken on the Archangel, of them in uniform, but she couldn't bring herself to. There was a picture of Tolle sitting in the Skygrasper. It made her cry. Tolle looked so _happy_. He was able to protect the ship, protect the ones he loved.

She had given a few pictures to Captain Ramius. She had taken some of her, Commander La Flaga, and Lieutenant Badgiruel on the bridge, a picture of her and the Commander in the mess hall, his arm around her shoulders. She had tears in her eyes as she accepted them. Miri saw them on a shelf, along with two hats, one belonging to Commander La Flaga the other to Lieutenant Badgiruel.

Miri had always heard of veterans having nightmares, of them jumping and startling at sounds that took them back to the war. Now she was that person. She hated thunderstorms the most. The flash of lightning and the sound of thunder became the flash of missiles and lasers and the sound of the ship shuddering as she was hit. It had been storming the day Tolle had died.

She knew she couldn't stop her life. She started taking pictures again, to show the world what had become of it. The damage all the senseless hate had wrought.

She found it within herself to forgive the man that had killed Tolle. There had been enough hate, enough death.

And in the end all there was left was memories.


End file.
